Welcome to Earth

Man I love living in the city.  If you come to Pittsburgh, check out Carson street.  Went down there last night with my girlfriend, ate dinner at a place called "Fat Heads", then went next door to Casey's Draft House..  a dingy, three-story bar with roof access.  The cool thing about this place is that you can buy everyone at the bar a shot for $10, and if you do this, the bartender rings a bell, and a midget comes out of a box at the end of the bar with a bottle of some fruity, cheap liquor and walks across the bar, pouring the nasty stuff down everyone's throat.  A unique experience, to say the least. 

Living in a city can be confusing, as well.  The numerous towns I lived in prior to this were small enough to have a few main roads.  Once you memorized those you were set - you more or less knew the layout of the whole place.  It's a lot different here...  after working here for a year and a half I'm still learning my way around.  My plan is to buy a bike in the spring (the kind that eats gas) so I can spend my free days cruising around, exploring the city, etc.   My dream is to one day be a fat old guy with a 3-foot beard cruising across the country on my beat-up old hog, wearing leather tassles, bandanas, and "mom" tatoos.  Ok, not really, those people scare me. 

All the same, I think it's been a vast improvement in the quality of life department.  Yes, I'm still living out of boxes and sleeping on my couch, but just being here is great.  Not to mention we've got a great NFL team here that happens to be on top of the league. 

No point to this post really, I just noticed it's been almost a week since I wrote anything.  I'd like to say I've been busy, but that would be a lie.  When I can think of something significant to say, I'll do so.... after all, I'd like to build up a reputation as someone who posts things that make at least one group of people angry.... so, I guess my next post will be about fat people.  Or maybe that's just mean.  You'll just have to tune in and find out. 

Ok, this is something that really bugs me.  You've heard of the whole "metrosexual" fad, right?  Well, in case you've been living in a cave, "metrosexual" is a term describing the type of man who focuses much time on grooming, stylish clothing, is in touch with his "feminine" side, and takes more time to get ready than the girl he's going with.  In other words, a straight man who acts like a stereotype gay man.  

I first heard about this a while back, I actually saw a link leading to a "test" that determined whether or not you are a metrosexual.  Not knowing what  a metrosexual was, I took the test, and got the lowest ranking possible: "You're a lost cause".   This is the one test I've taken where I'm proud to have gotten the lowest ranking possible.  The whole metrosexual movement is an attempt to blur the lines between the sexes... to take away from men that which we should hold sacred.

So I'm going to make a quick list off the top of my head, containing those things we as men should do to fight the metrosexual movement:

1.  Drink beer.   If someone offers you a cosmopoliton, make like the guy in the sam adams commercial and fill your cup with a frosty brew.  It's only right. 

2. Your morning shower should take no longer than 10 minutes.  This includes dressing yourself afterwards, and drying off, etc. 

3. Limit hygienic products to toothpaste, soap, shampoo, shaving cream, and deodorant.  Real men don't use moisturizers or skin creams.  Hair gel should only be used for specific occasions.

4.  Watch sports.  Doesn't matter which, but find a team you like and scream at the television, regardless of whether or not your team is winning.

5.  Belch and fart.  It's natural, it's what we do, why hide it?

6.  Spend lots of money on a car that has enough horsepower to smoke those crappy PT cruisers, Jeep liberties, VW beetles, and any other wussy metro car.   Classic muscle cars, if you can afford them, are best.  If not, you should at least dream about them.

7.  You do NOT have a "feminine" side.  You are man.  Women do not have "masculine" sides, they are women.  What, are we all transexual or something?

8.  Despise all shopping.  Do not spend lots of money on clothing, or trying to dress up in the latest trends.  Instead, invest in a motorcycle.

9.  Be cold and objective.  You know as well as I do that "getting in touch with your feelings" is an open door to weeping weakness.

10.  Punch something once in a while. 

There's more, but it's not complicated stuff, so I'll leave it to you to figure it out.  Men, if you feel pressured to give in to the temptation of metrosexuality, take action.  Get out there, drive 20 mph above the speed limit,  skip the occasional shower.   The last thing we need is a bunch of watered-down, politically correct, nancy-boys taking over the world.

Thanksgiving has arrived (much to the chagrin of the PETA folks).  You gotta love these holidays where the custom is to down as much food as you can stuff into your face.   Thanksgiving brings to mind nostalgic images of stuffed turkeys, cranberry sauce, family around a table, and pilgrims shooting indians. 

But seriously, it's a good time of year.  Time to ditch all your responsibilities and worries, and pig out on a huge turkey feast, and when you think you've had enough, hit the pumpkin pie.  For a while i thought I'd be missing out on this beloved holiday, but fortunately a friend of mine has invited my girlfriend and me to their house for dinner, so I'll get to enjoy that incredible post-dinner cigarette - the best one of the year. 

Hope everyone out there has a great one, don't forget the gravy.  And to all those crazy rednecks who are going to cook their turkeys in those deep-fat lawn frying pots, try not to set your neighbor's houses on fire. 

Man, living alone can be boring sometimes.  Especially when you've just moved to a new city, and you don't know anyone.  It's not that I'm antisocial, but it can be difficult to meet new people at times.  You go to a bar by yourself, and if you talk to a guy, you're probably gay, and if you talk to a girl, you're probably a predator.  Fortunately, my friend will be getting off his lazy ass soon (I hope) and moving up here.   The woman is also moving up at the end of the month.  But since I moved, I've spent most of my off-time watching sportscenter and comedy central.  I've actually got a nasty backpain from sitting on my cheap IKEA couch for so long.   Looking into joining a gym, maybe tomorrow, if I can find one for less than 70 bucks a month (need some good luck, I suppose).  Otherwise I'll waste away and become a fat, lazy, couch potato, and nobody likes a fat, lazy, couch potato. 

Normally I write about something.   Let's see.

Ok, just got an idea.  Flipping through the channels, I pass through some wrestling show.  It's always occured to me... wrestling is touted as a men's entertainment form.  Hell, it's on "Spike" TV, which is supposedly a men's network (although, with Star Trek being one of the most frequent programs, You gotta wonder what kind of men they're trying to attract).   I've always thought of it as kind of.... well, to be somewhat PC, not manly.   Let's face it, you got a bunch of big, muscular, sweaty guys in tights rolling around on the floor together... doesn't strike me as the sort of thing that would appeal to most heterosexual males.   Yet one of the bigger audiences it has is (sorry, about to completely abandon the PC thing)  the "redneck" type of man, you know, the Pabst drinking, wife-beater wearing (wife-beater, as in, the thin tanktop undergarb) blue-collar folks, who tend to be the MOST heterosexual of all (as in: Don't hang out with them if you're gay). 

Not sure what they find so appealing about it.  Perhaps if it was a real sport, but it's not even that.  One friend of mine who occasionally watches it described it to me as a sort of "soap opera for men"...  apparently there are storylines behind each of the neanderthals that steps in the ring to pretend to beat each other's lights out.   Since when did men watch, or even want to watch, any form of soap opera? 

I can't say much more on this, it's just too hard for me to comprehend.  Maybe it has something to do with the beer-bellied common man wishing he was a hulking goliath able to kick anyone's ass... but after watching these guys talk for a few minutes, I can't see how anyone but the most poorly evolved of humans could relate to these people. 

If any of you reading this are wrestling fans, please explain it to me, apparently I'm just too dumb to grasp the obviously meaningful quasi-sport that "professional" wrestling is.   I'll be willing to listen, and I'll try not to make fun of you.  (I make no promises.)

Anyone tune into ESPN lately?  The big story of the hour (and probably the next few hundred) is the big Pacers/Pistons brawl Friday night.  After another expected flagrant foul from Artest, Ben Wallace shoved Artest away.  Suprisingly, Artest kept his cool.  That is, until a fan hit him in the head with a beer cup. 

We all saw what happened.  It ended up with athletes in the stands, fans on the court, and a couple fans in both areas getting the shit kicked out of them by the NBA stars.  The woefully outmatched security team could do little, and the game had to be called with less than a minute remaining. 

While this was the biggest fight, it certainly wasn't the only one this past week.  Last Sunday Joey Porter and William Greene threw down before the Pittsburgh/Cleveland game, forcing both of the key players out of that particular game. 

Then there was the Clemson/S. Carolina college game.  For some inexplicable reason, in the middle of a play the offensive and defensive lines ended up beating on each other, with players coming off the sidelines to join in the brawl.  The state police had to be called in, but even they couldn't contain these guys. 

Why all the violence?  Actually, I know the answer.  Because there is no NHL this year, players in different leagues feel the responsibilty to beat people up is now on thier hands.  The NHL was the only team sport that allowed, and maybe even condoned, players taking off the helmets and smacking each other around.  Now that they're gone, it's happening in other sports.  This is a problem...  the kind of fighting that went on this week was some of the worst in sports history. The only solution is to bring back the NHL so the other sports can get back to playing worthwhile games.

Does make you wonder, though.  In most of these sports, fighting is a disgrace, almost always resulting in suspension.  Why not with hockey?  Because, like NASCAR, nobody would watch it if there wasn't the occasional smashing. 

I'm not going to comment.  I'll stop talking about this, but I'm having fun.  I think these comments speak for themselves:

» newbie [outside user] Friday 11.19.04 [1:50 pm]

PITTSBURGH Animal Rights Activists, please post on this forum, help set these people straight. Help put an end to their sadistic cruelty.

» newbie [outside user] Friday 11.19.04 [2:05 pm]

Man, they brain washed you didn't they Bro. Who taught you that bull about the food chain. What a shame.

» newbie [outside user] Friday 11.19.04 [2:19 pm]

Reply to: BroRizzo
Excuse me Bro, but you do eat a dead, rotting corpse. Do your homework, mainly just re-figure what you think you know. That processed slab of dead pig (called bacon) is a rotting carcass.

» goveg04 [outside user] Friday 11.19.04 [2:32 pm]

Reply to: BroRizzo
Keep in mind, too, that animals we pet, such as dogs, cats, kittens and puppies, are slaughtered and killed, at live markets in China. Of course, men of their culture have ate the balls of tigers and leopards in the belief consuming the balls would make them have the stamina and endurance of these animals. Care for some nice, round leopard balls on your pasta?

Quality stuff.  My point? Proven, I think.

Here's a good one... 

After posting my "kill animals" blog, I've been anxiously waiting a negative comment in response...  It couldn't have been any better that this:

» goveg04 [outside user] Friday 11.19.04 [1:07 pm]

It won't be long until the compassionate people of the world will govern; at that time, you two, and all other dead carcass eating vultures like you, will be penalized, even im-prisoned, for your crimes against animals. It will happen, the fight for animal rights will be greatly forwarded within the next five years. The animals will be protected from vulture humans such as you. I suggest you educate yourself by visiting peta.org, oohmahnee.org, etc.

Oh man.  This cracks me up.  goveg04 has done a brilliant job of illustrating why vegans like him or herself are blithering idiots (see my post below).  I'd like to point out, for those of you who didn't notice, this animal rights activist has compared me to a vulture, the intention being derogatory.  Isn't a vulture an animal?  Or is it not cute and fuzzy enough to be among those you seek to protect?  It boggles my mind that these people, who are arguing that people are just like animals, and we have no right to kill and eat other animals, can't understand the concept of the "food chain".  It just so happens that we're on top, not because we have leathery hides or razor-sharp claws, it's because we're smart, and all animals are stupid (people being "smart" is used in a relative sense here).  

But this made my night.  Please, if you are a vegan or animal-rights activist, I implore you to post and give your assinine opinions.

Before I go.. one more thing....  notice the mention of how "compassionate" folks will govern....  so people like me will be locked away while the animals run free. 

Ok, I'll stop... it's just too much fun pointing out the blazing stupidity of these people. 

After spending only a few weeks living in Pittsburgh, it's become clear to me that city life may be my destiny.  I've spent all my life living in small towns, each of which has its own charm, sure, but the big difference when living in a city is that there's actually stuff to do.  It's a hard concept for me to grasp at times, but a quick shot down the street takes me to a whole world of people and activity, as opposed to a stretch of field or a county store. 

I'm still slowing progressing on my apartment... but it's a lot of work to furnish a new place.  Not to mention a pain in the back... spent the last 3 hours putting together furniture on the floor, and my cheap couch isn't providing me adequate relief.   I'd like to go on another tirade about something that irritates me, but I'm feeling tired, and mainly only logged on for the hell of it. 

Anyhow, steelers are 8-1, and are now being called the best team in the league.   Given the next couple games coming up, and providing they can keep playing at the level they currently are, we might realistically expect at least a 13-3 season.   Sure as hell beats the 6-10 2003 season.  Pittsburgh plays at Cincinnati Sunday, who have proven to have a potentially dangerous offense, but were I in Vegas I'd still put my money on the Steel curtain.  

Ok, time to rant about people I don't like, once again.  Now that I have the internet finally set up in my new "crib", and, the fact that I have nothing to do from Monday to Thursday, I can now dedicate my time ripping on people I don't like.

Today, we're going to go after animal rights activists.  You know who you are.  I was walking down Carson street the other day and was handed a flyer by a pair of long-haired, obviously high twenty-somethings.  The flyer was an invitation to join the fight against the absolute cruelty that is fur coats and slaughterhouses.  Within, it described the despicable conditions in which the cows lived before being mercilessly slaughtered, leaving thier bovine families to weep the loss of a beloved friend and father/mother.  

Ok.  NEWS FLASH!!!  They're cows, for God's sake.  Possibly the dumbest, smelliest, and ugliest creatures on the face of the planet.  Take a look at a nice, plump, cow, and try to come up with a reason for its existence that doesn't involve juicy hamburgers and leather coats.  The fact is, cows (and chickens, and turkeys, and pigs, etc.) exist only to make a steaming hot meal at your favorite dive.   People moan and bitch about the way we kill them, the way we eat them, and the way we wear them.   Ask yourself this...  what did a pig ever do for you? 

Of course, not everyone is an anti-leather hemp wearing waste of flesh, but plenty of people are vegetarians.. or worse, vegans, but I won't get into that because I could write a book on why vegans are idiots.   Vegetarians, for the most part, are morons.  Unless your vegetarianism is due to a medical condition or deep-rooted psychological disorder, you have no reason to not eat meat.   Go to a mirror, and flash a nice, bright, toothy smile.  Notice the pointed, sharp-looking vampire-style teeth.  These are your incisors, or canines.  The biological function of these teeth is to sever meat fibers.  Not to mention the myriad of hormones and digestive juices specifically in place to digest and process meat.  It just blows my mind that anyone could actually have a problem with people eating these ugly, useless creatures. 

Another thing for these hippies to consider... if it's so wrong for people to kill animals, then why is it ok for animals to kill other animals?  Let's face it, they do it all the time.  Ever seen the way a cat plays with the bleeding half-carcass of its prey before putting the poor critter out of its misery?  A shotgun blast from ol' Farmer Bob is far more humane.

So if you think people are cruel for killing animals, I have a good idea for your next protest.  Get together in front of a slaughterhouse, and commit mass suicide.  Maybe you'll shock the workers into calling off work for a day, and save some cows in the process.  That way they can go back into the grazelands to eat grass and create massive piles of shit.

All I can say...  I like meat, and I'll continue to eat it regardless.  No hippie activist will ever change that. 

If any of you follow the NFL you already know that Pittsburgh just toppled the last undefeated team in the league, The Eagles, in a 27-3 butchering on Sunday.  This makes me very happy.  I think I can smell a possible Superbowl....   in the case that happens, I'm taking off work (I work the weekends) and getting friendly with a bigscreen and a 24 oz. draft.

Maybe I'll write a worthwhile post in a little bit, but for now, I'm in a cafe, paying for the internet, because I haven't gotten hooked up in my new apartment yet.  Later.

The last game they lost was in September, 2003, to the Redskins, 20-17.  Since that time, the New England Patriots went on an unprecedented 21 game winning streak, including the playoffs and superbowl, as well as setting a record 18 game regular season consecutive win streak.  Looking at their schedule, nobody could pick a team in the next few weeks that so much as held a candle to these guys... the streak may well go towards 30. 

Then they came to Pittsburgh.   I remember checking all the ESPN picks for this game.... the "experts" had New England for at least a 14 point win over the Steelers.  Funny that the Steelers beat New England by 14 points.

THAT's RIGHT, BITCHES.   Pittsburgh has snapped the New England winning streak, and done so easily.  There was no contest throughout the entire game, and the team that was regarded as a "maybe", or the team with "good luck", is now being appraised as potentially the best team in the NFL. 

All this, and I'll be finished moving to Pittsburgh tomorrow.  Could the timing be any better?  It's always exciting moving to a new place, especially when that new place is an exciting city, and the person moving is coming from a background of living in tiny little cow-towns and ex-steel worker settlements.  

I got me a sweet little apartment on the mountain, bought a couch, and am ready to get moving.  Onward to better things.   It feels kind of wierd, regardless, leaving behind the town you've lived in for the past five years, and more significantly, the town you actually grew up and matured in. 

Anyhow, election day is tomorrow.  Should I feel guilty about my apathy towards all this?  I think all the coverage, all the hype, all the propoganda...  it's driven me away from all of it, rather than pulling me towards voting for my candidate of choice.   Maybe I should vote for Nader, so that I when I say "My vote didn't matter anyway", people wouldn't argue.  

I know a lot of people are passionate about this.  One candidate will suit your ideologies more sufficiently.  You actually agree with those who claim "this is the most important election of our time".   Sure it is...   but just wait for four more years, regardless of who wins, and people will be saying the same thing.  The fact is, we are now involved with this whole "middle-east" crisis situation, and until the time this blight on the face of humanity is resolved, every election will center around the "war on terror", whether we're in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Korea, or Canada. 

When the dust settles after tomorrow, I already know I'm not going to even react when I see the results of the election.  We've all been oversaturated with this political race and the dire necessity of voicing our opinions in the polling booths, and for this "young voter", it's been enough that I no longer even feel a desire to vote.  I just want to forget about all this political bullshit, and revel in the fact that the Steelers just toppled the toughest team in the entire NFL.  

And if you don't care about football-go back to knitting your sweaters, walking your poodles, and leave me the hell alone.  You obviously suck at life.